Doesn‘t life seem relentless? I‘m the last person who should be saying this, I have no children, no mortgage, nothing other than work (and my work isn‘t even busy) and things I engage in of my own choice. Yet, I still feel like I am running a never ending marathon. I complete a task, whilst adding 3 more to my list. I never sit back in satisfaction at a job well done. Self care, if it occurs, has to be meticulously scheduled and even so, other tasks eat into the scheduled time.
Often I find myself thinking: Is this how life is supposed to be?
Rushing about harried, till one day I am old and crippled and cannot work any longer.
Brooke and I have neglected this page this year. In reality, I relied excessively on her enthusiasm for blogging, whilst I dipped in occasionally. So, when she chased her urological dreams and started a job that had no room for the basic requirements of life, the regular posts lapsed. Also my desire to keep up the weekly wonderpost, where we shared our reflections every week and tried to maintain some wonder and gratitude, dissolved after the nsw state and federal elections. Everything that filled me with wonder, was also tinged with horror – look at this photo of a giant gas bubble in the Siberian permafrost, when it bursts it will contribute to global warming and our extinction. Hooray!
Then in the wake of the election, whilst I knew from hard lessons that self care was essential for emotional wellbeing and intellectual function, I found myself prioritising so many things above self care. Everything seemed so important: things threatening the wellbeing of loved ones close by, actions important to ward off human extinction, work, projects and meetings important to progress my training so I can do more, be more flexible, wield more influence.
One of my senior colleagues, a kindred spirit, went on holiday, switched off and took that family time even though she knew it was „selfish“. Me, I said, „no holidays, I must sacrifice myself to achieve every…single …thing.“ Where has this left me? With much more difficulty sleeping, feeling on edge with heart palpitations and frequently so overwhelmed that I don‘t want to get out of bed to face the day. I can‘t think logically because my amygdala takes over and all I can do is panic and feel like a failure.
So, it turns out self care is important. I need to exercise, return to yoga, take time for myself to drink a coffee whilst smelling the salty air by the seaside. I am privileged, as if I was disciplined I could probably find fifteen mins every day or a few hours on a weekend. However to do so, all my activities must be efficient. For instance, I might consume the news by podcast whilst washing my clothes and replying to an email, but for others efficiency won‘t stop the children demanding attention or the phone call from the hospital at 3am. So I wonder how they do it?
Since social media is always on, always flashing with new stories, ads and outrage, I need to take care to be mindful- turn off my phone and notice that I am drinking coffee by the seaside. Actually listen to my family when they talk to me. Don’t mistake me, I love social media, but it certainly isn‘t good for my mental health.
In this second half of 2019, I must recentre myself and reprioritise to keep myself sane. I can only do my best as one small human, as pressing as all the problems facing humanity are. If I take a small break, I will come back and everything will still be there and I will be in a better head space to cope. I am one small human. I am one small human. I am one small human, and that is OKAY.
I know I will improve transiently then fall back into the same bad habits again, need these same life lessons again.
So many of you juggle so much more than me. How do you cope? How do you maintain your sanity with ridiculous abusive work expectations, a crazy hoard of kids to look after and other demands on your time?
